


Elgar'nan, give me strength

by Newagenewbarricade



Series: Ar lath ma [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Assassins, M/M, Non Inquisitor Lavellan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-04-24 21:47:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4936519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Newagenewbarricade/pseuds/Newagenewbarricade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He would never leave if he hadn't been told to go, but he was</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sylaise guide me home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [prouveyrac](https://archiveofourown.org/users/prouveyrac/gifts).



Emairi walked through the halls of Skyhold, there wasn’t much for him to do while Camris was off saving the world. Emairi tried his damnedest not to worry about it too much but it wasn’t easy being in love with one of the most divisive leaders in all of Thedas. Emairi trailed his hand along the curtains fingers sliding effortlessly over the smooth fabric. While Emairi was lost in thought a figure shrouded in shadows appeared as if out of thin air. Emairi took half a step back before summoning an ice wall out of panic. The figure leapt over the ice, dragger at the ready. Emairi wasn’t expecting the figure to leap over his barrier. Adrenaline coursed through his veins as he cast a lightning spell on the intruder before trying to make his escape down the hall. Before Emairi could get very far however another figure had cut off his escape route. Emairi was trapped between two rogues, he crouched to the ground and formed an ice dome around himself, sending shards of ice in every direction. Emairi got to his feet only to feel an intense pain in his leg, he was kicked to the ground he barely managed to brace his fall. The assassin behind him pulled her dagger out of his leg and yanked his hair, causing him to expose this throat.

Emairi grabbed the assassin and threw her over his shoulder barreling her into the other assassin. Emairi scrambled to his feet and sent a wave of electricity towards them. The assassins’ bodies jerked for a few moments before they were still. Emairi was breathing heavily hands shaking from the encounter, he would need to tell Camris about this immediately. Emairi ran down the hall, into Leliana of all people,

“Emairi, what happened? There’s blood on you.” She seemed to realize.

“Assassins, I, I managed to fight them off but just barely.” He said, still shaken from the experience.

“I should’ve had more of my agents watching you, this won’t happen again.” Leliana said before she made her way past Emairi.

Emairi shivered, he’d never felt particularly at home in Skyhold, even with all the homages to the Dalish had still never quite been enough to cut through the fog of Orlesian accents and “maker be with you”s that were the background to Skyhold life. He went to the inquisitor’s chambers and closed the door behind him. He held his hands together while he murmured a prayer to the gods.

_Mythal preserve me,_

_Elgar’nan, Give Me Strength_

_Falon’Din, Calm My Soul_

_Dirthamen, Uncloud My Eyes_

_Ghilan’nain, Speed My Steps_

_Andruil, Aim Me True_

_Sylaise, Guide Me Home._

He struggled to keep himself calm, he paced the room icy crystals marking his path through the room. The icy aura around him filling the room. He had no idea how long he walked around that room. He felt the ice on his body growing. Tears of fear were freezing to his face, the bitter sting telling him he should control his emotions but he couldn’t. He heard the door behind him open, he spun around in a panic holding a shaking arm out to cast a spell only to realize it was Camris. Camris ran over to Emairi, pulling him into his arms. Emairi felt much warmer in his lover’s grasp. Emairi could barely speak, he just shivered and tried to explain, before he could more than blubber out a word Camris said,

“Leliana told me, I, I’m so sorry Em I should’ve kept you safer.”

Emairi felt the ice on his ears melting as Camris rubbed his hands up and down Emairi’s back. Emairi tried to speak but words failed him he kissed Camris like his life depended on it, and perhaps it did.

“Mythal’enaste Em you’re freezing!” Camris said, worry clear on his face. Camris grabbed a thick coat from his wardrobe, “Put this on before you lose something.” Emairi pulled the coat on, his lips still had a tinge of blue to them.

“I’m scared.” Emairi said, eyes still puffy and red. He sat down on his and Camris’s bed, flexing his toes nervously. Camris sat beside him taking his icy hands in his own warm ones. Camris pressed a kiss to Emairi’s forehead,

“I’m never letting that happen again.” He said, tone grave.

After that things were different around Skyhold, but not in the way Emairi was expecting. There were more guards around Skyhold sure, but Camris was more distant than ever before. Even at the semi-weekly games of wicked grace Camris hardly spoke to Emairi. Emairi tried talking to some of the higher ranking members of the inquisition about it but they all gave him noncommittal answers. Emairi was going to talk to Camris about it when he heard he’d apparently left for a mission to the fallow mire that afternoon. Camris usually at least told Emairi when he was leaving for a mission, Emairi knew something had changed and when Camris came back he was going to ask him just what it was.

Camris hadn’t sent Emairi a single letter, hell _Cassandra_ sent him a letter but his fiancé? Not a word. Emairi stood at the gates, he saw Camris and his party approaching, they certainly looked like they’d spent an incredibly long amount of time in an undead filled swamp,

“Ma vhenan! I’m so glad to see you again!” Emairi said face beaming.

Camris gave Emairi a quick peck on the lips and kept walking without a word. Emairi just watched him go, “ _He’s probably exhausted. It was a hostage situation wasn’t it? But oh by the gods why is he so cold all the sudden?”_ Emairi thought to himself.

“You alright there sylvan?” Varric asked.

“It’s like I’m not even here, does he even talk about me?” Emairi asked.

Varric shrugged his shoulders, “He’s been pretty distracted lately, might want to catch him before ruffles or Cullen does.”

Emairi nodded and went after Camris. He went into the main hall of the stronghold. Emairi saw the fiery redhead vanish into the hallway towards their quarters. _Perfect_ Emairi thought to himself as he followed him. He opened the door to Camris’s and his chamber.

“Camris, I want to talk to you.” He began.

“What is it Em?” Camris asked.

“I feel like you’ve been really distant lately and I don’t know why, did did I do something wrong? Are we fighting and I just didn’t get the memo?” Emairi asked.

“No I, it’s not that.” Camris said, pointedly not looking at Emairi.

“Then what is it? You’ve barely spoken to me for a month now! Do, do you even _care_ about me anymore?” Emairi asked, pained tears surprising him as they fell down his face.

Camris still wasn’t looking at him as he said, “I think you should go.”

Emairi felt the air grow cold around them, “If that’s what you want.” He said through clenched teeth. He gathered what little he’d brought to Skyhold with him, he placed the halla statue Camris had given him on Camris’ desk. Emairi walked out of the room, waiting until he’d slammed the door behind him to slide down to the floor and cry, _What did I do? Why does he hate me? Where in the name of mythal am I going to go?_ These questions and more swirled throughout Emairi’s mind. He pulled himself off the ground pulled his hood up and left Skyhold that same day. No one questioned a lone scout leaving in the middle of the day. Emairi wondered how long it would even take for anyone to notice he was gone.

When the door slammed Camris felt as if his heart had been split down the middle. He didn’t _want_ Emairi to leave, and of course he still cared about him but he couldn’t have his blood on his hands. He couldn’t let anyone try to hurt him again. He felt his hands tingling with the heat of the fire growing in his palms.

“Ir abelas ma vhenan.” He said.

He didn’t notice the statue until the next day, he didn’t have the heart to do anything with it. He didn’t tell anyone what happened with Emairi and none of them asked. Varric looked at him questioningly but said nothing, the dwarf had always gotten along with Emairi. Camris went about his duties, judging prisoners, schmoozing with nobles and checking their progress in the war room. He could almost pretend he didn’t feel like he was dying without Emairi. He knew it was all his own doing, only telling Emairi to go would make him leave, and Cam had told the love of his life to leave.

He went to the tavern that night, it was technically for wicked grace, but perhaps drinking himself into a stupor wouldn’t be the worst thing he’d done that week.

“Hey boss, nice of you to join us.” Bull said.

“Wouldn’t miss it.” Camris said as he sat at the table with the others.

 “You're sad, you're hurting, you love him but he needed to go, his blood couldn't be on your hands." Cole said, looking at Camris with those hauntingly expressive eyes of his.

Camris winced, Cole was right of course, he always was. A silence fell over the table, no one had breached the topic of Emairi’s disappearance but now it was clearly unavoidable.

“I did what I had to, not what I wanted to.” Camris said, turning slightly to face Cole, but unable to meet the spirit’s gaze.

                Meanwhile Emairi felt the ice storm assaulting his face, he had remained near Skyhold for a few days, when it was clear Camris wasn’t looking for him he kept moving. He had no idea where he was anymore. All he saw for miles were mountains and snow. He laughed bitterly as his thoughts wandered to Camris’s warm hands. He didn’t dare let his thoughts remain on Camris for long, he still ached for him of course. He’d loved him for nearly half his life, he couldn’t just deal with Camris dropping him without warning over such a small frame of time. He leaned on his staff to catch his breath, he’d been travelling since the sun went up, and if not for the winter clouds the sky would be pitch dark at this point. He conjured a small light in his hand.

He heard the clang of metal approaching. He snuffed the light out. The pale white light was replaced by the ghostly glow of red approaching quickly. A lone apostate against a patrol of Templars, Emairi muttered a prayer as he entered a battle stance,

“Mythal preserve me,” One of the Templars called for the others.

“Elgar’nan, Give Me Strength” Emairi set up a barrier, defiance in his fiery eyes.

“Falon’Din, Calm My Soul” A Templar bashed his shield through the barrier.

“Dirthamen, Uncloud My Eyes” Emairi cast a chain lightning spell.

“Ghilan’nain, Speed My Steps” Emairi leapt over a downed Templar.

“Andruil, Aim Me True” He shot a bolt of arcane energy just as he was stabbed in the leg.

 _“Sylaise, Guide Me Home_.” Emairi fell to the icy ground, Templars standing above him, blazing their swords as they called for the favor of their god.


	2. Mythal, Preserve me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "the wind was howling as if carrying the cries of the dying to the lips of the praying" Inquisitor Camris must live with the repercussions of his actions   
> gore tw

Camris was walking down the battlements of Skyhold when Scout Harding called to him,

“Inquisitor! A patrol found something you might want to see.” She said.

Camris came down the steps Lace had something in her hands she placed it in his outstretched palm, a clan Lavellan ring and it was bloody.

“Where did you find this?” He asked.

“Patrol found it three days away from Skyhold, nothing else for miles…” Lace trailed off.

Camris looked at the ring, by the gods he knew this ring hauntingly well.

He remembered Nad’ai making it for him “About time you make an honest elf out of Em anyway.” He said as he handed him the ring. Then he was sent to the conclave, that’s when everything went straight to hell. He hardly ever wrote, Emairi did sure but rarely would he respond. He hadn’t wanted to drag him into this, then the clan was destroyed. Camris thought he’d lost everything, then the scouts said they’d found an alleged Lavellan survivor. Camris didn’t dare hope that this might actually be a legitimate survivor, then the follow up report came in: “ _The lone Dalish claims to be “Emarir Lavellan” and had the following message to send to the inquisitor: Aneth’era Camris, I, words cannot describe what I have seen or what I feel. I assure you I am no impersonator if you don’t believe me then all I have to say is, remember the glowing lake? It runs red now. I have nowhere else to go. Until we meet again ma’salath –Emairi Lavellan”_ Camris read the report over and over before arranging some of Leliana’s agents to escort Emairi to Skyhold. Camris could scarcely remember a sight more beautiful that finally seeing Emairi after all that time had passed. Then of course there was the proposal, hearing Emairi finally say _Yes_ after loving him for so long was the happiest moment of his life.

The ring sat heavy in his palm, bringing back memories of every shade. Emairi must’ve been wearing this, and if it was bloody that meant he was probably dead. Camris put the ring in his pocket,

“Scour the area Harding, I I want our best on the job.” He stammered body temperature steadily climbing.

“On it Camris, I mean, Inquisitor.” Lace said.

Camris walked back up the battlements, he needed some air and that was one of the few places he could actually get any. He rested his elbows on the edge of the wall, head hanging low. He looked at his palms, the lines of his hands were red, no surprise there. He muttered a prayer to Sylaise, Emairi had always felt a connection to her, _Sylaise keep him safe, Sylaise guide him home, Sylaise… Sylaise please let him live._ The wind was howling as if carrying the cries of the dying to the lips of the praying.

Somewhere, almost impossibly far away a lone apostate cried out in pain as if his very blood had been poisoned. The Templars had left him for dead in the frozen wasteland and he had barely managed to drag himself to the lip of a cave before falling in, he was fairly certain he’d broken an ankle in the fall in addition to his other wounds. His back was pressed against a rock, a few shafts of sunlight were able to hit the floor of the half ditch half cave he’d fallen into. Emairi held his staff in one hand, his other hand was busy making sure his intestines didn’t become his outtestines. He felt himself fading in and out of consciousness, he wouldn’t be long for this world at this rate. With a wince he inhaled to say a final prayer to the gods,

“Sylaise who I dedicated myself to years ago, guide me to the beyond.” He gasped as his wounds stung even worse now than before, “Falon’din take me.” Emairi bit his lip, painful tears streaked down his bloody face, “Elgar’nan see that those shems feel my vengeance…” The burning was spreading and Emairi had no idea why, he collapsed forward in pain screaming in agony. “One of you make this easier I beg you!” He cried out, trembling as ice crystals began to grow on his wound like thousands of needles on his most vulnerable skin. He wondered what he’d done to bring such heavy wrath upon him at once, his lover sends him away, he’s ambushed by knights who exist to kill those like him and now he laid alone in a pit dying.

“Sylaise…Sylaise help me.” He said as blood dripped from his mouth.

“Where’s this blood’s owner?” A voice outside the cave asked, it was faint but Emairi was certain it was a real voice.

“Follow the trail numbnuts.” A companion replied.

“There’s someone down here.” Emairi said, he couldn’t raise his voice too much.

“Harding… Andraste’s holy nethers there’s someone alive down there!” A scout cried from the top of the about five foot drop of the cave.

“Don’t just stand there get him out! He’s barely holding on.” Harding said, she was far too small to go down there and get Emairi out herself. A muscular city elf with tan skin and sandy blonde hair jumped down beside Emairi,

“My name is Kallian, we’re gonna get you out of here and take you back to Skyhold okay?” The scout said as they reached out to touch Emairi.

He brought a hand up to pause the scout,

“I won’t make it.” He said, not wanting to waste the inquisition’s time on a dying apostate.

“You’re not dying alone in some cave asshole.” Kallian said as they scooped Emairi into their arms. Kallian was remarkably strong for an elf. He felt someone take him out of Kallian’s arms so Kallian could scramble out of the ditch he’d been laying in for two days.

“Do you think he’ll make it?” Kallian whispered to another scout, as if Emairi couldn’t hear her clear as day.

“I was praying before you found me, I don’t think I’ll make it.” Emairi deadpanned.

“Good thing we brought a healer with us.” Scout Harding said, Emairi had never gotten many chances to speak to her when he was at Skyhold, she was always out scouting for the inquisition but he was glad that if he was to die surrounded by near total strangers that at least one of them actually knew who he was. Emairi lost consciousness, or maybe he died he wasn’t sure and too tired to figure it out.

Camris received a report from lead scout Tabris, the patrol found a half dead apostate and are trying to keep him alive till they get him back to Skyhold. Camris bit his lip, he hoped this half dead soul made it back to Skyhold. He was torn between hoping it was Emairi and that it wasn’t, if it was then it meant that Camris’s plan to keep Emairi safe had backfired in the worst way and if it wasn’t then… Then Emairi was in some way completely out of his life, either by distance or death. He swallowed, none of these options seemed particularly appealing. He left the report on his desk and walked out into the main yard of Skyhold. Harding was standing in front of the tavern.

“Harding, I read Tabris’s report… Where is the apostate?” Camris asked, the look on Lace’s face confirming his fear.

“Infirmary, you might want to hurry inquisitor he, he’s in rough shape.” She said.

Camris ran to the infirmary faster than his legs should carry him. He felt his heart burning as he pushed open the door and saw a blood covered elf convulsing on a cot. His heart leapt to his throat as through all the matted hair and dried blood he recognized Emairi’s icy blue eyes. Emairi spat a mouthful of blood,

“Why did you send me away?” He was still shaking so much. Camris could almost hear his heart breaking. He reached out towards Emairi, who grabbed his arm with a ferocious tightness,

“Why did you send me away?” Blood was flowing down his arm and between his fingers onto Camris’s hand. There were no words that could ever right what he’d done and looking at his haunted lover made him realize that.

“Why did you send me away?” He demanded again, more desperate this time.

“Ir abelas.” Camris said as he looked at his lover helplessly.

“Why did you send me away? BY the gods you owe me that much!” Emairi said as he tightened his grip on Camris’s wrist. Camris could barely think let alone speak with Emairi before him.

“You’re distressing him I need you to leave.” The bloodied medic said as she pried Emairi’s vice like grip off Camris’s wrist.

“Thedas to inquisitor, get out you’re distressing my patient.” The medic said, making a “shoo” gesture.

“Don’t you dare walk away Camris! Why did you send me away!” Emairi’s breaths were clearly taking more effort now.

Camris turned around to answer but once again, Camris was too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you I would fight hard Tj, i fuckin warned you. Feedback always welcome! I'm on tumblr at alinnsurana and tj is archdemoned on there you should follow that nerd and tell him i sent you

**Author's Note:**

> the chapter titles come from this dalish prayer post i saw on tumblr, I can't remember where but it was so good! any feedback welcome of course. Camris belongs to my buddy prouveyrac who is archdemoned on tumblr and Emairi is mine!


End file.
